Empowerment at the Beach

A colleague of mine observed boys and girls interacting at the beach. She wrote about it in Pink Magazine a few months ago. The point of her post was to encourage women to create opportunity for themselves if the men around them seem to exclude them. There are actually a few lessons in this story for all of us.

My colleague noticed a group of boys using all their engineering talents to design and build an elaborate sand castle. These young urban planners were including bridges, rivers, towers and a hot tub. As the boys were enjoying the fruit of their tectonic labors sitting in their hot tub a couple of the girls took the opportunity to join them. Of course the girls were summarily dismissed with the cry, “No girls allowed!”

Not happy with being shut out of the fun the girls complained to their mothers. The mothers intervened and required that the boys allow the girls to play with them. Begrudgingly, the boys obliged. But as soon as the moms turned their backs the familiar edict was issued, “No girls allowed!” The mothers intervened again and again but as soon as they were distracted the boys ordered the girls out.

Obviously unhappy with being excluded from the excitement of the boys’ project the girls trudged off. However, one little girl began digging the sand a few feet away from the boys. Soon another girl joined her and then another. They begin to build their own sandcastle. Using their own unique perspectives and abilities their sandcastle included all kinds of embellishment found on the beach, i.e. as feathers, stones, grasses, etc. Their sandcastle was turning into a development. It included houses, cars and people.

One of the little boys noticed the girls’ working furiously on their project and began digging a trench from the boys’ project to the girls’ project. Soon the two groups were designing and engineering a grand neighborhood with bridges, dams, pets, people, cars and several buildings as well as a hot tub big enough for all of them.

While it’s certainly a cute story and we can all relate to those days playing on the beach as children the lessons in the story can be applied to the way we relate to men in the workplace.

1) Don’t wait for outside forces to come in and make it right or fair.
The mothers in the story intervened, but when they didn’t adequately police the situation the boys reverted to the old ways. Their rules didn’t change the hearts of the boys and only fomented their resentment. Because the boys didn’t choose to have the girls play with them their attitudes weren’t welcoming or collaborative and they became increasingly more frustrated.

2) Don’t get discouraged and stop fighting.
If you’re not getting through the door find an open window. It may put you in an awkward position and getting in might not be exactly flattering but your efforts will pay off. The girls in the story complained to their mothers and kept asking for admittance to the construction site to no avail. But they didn’t give up. They found a way to create utilizing their own unique perspectives and talents and it didn’t require acceptance by the boys or outside interference.

3) Don’t perpetuate the bad behavior of your male counterparts when given the opportunity.
In other words, practice the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” In essence, when you have the opportunity to affect someone’s life with either a yes or a no, you are in a place of power. Because the girls were having success building their own sandcastle resort and drawing attention from the boys, they had power. Rather than misusing their power, the girls opened up the project to the boys. When they did this they had even greater success. The resort expanded, included better features, a bigger hot tub and attracted the attention of other participants.

The biggest lesson here is that the girls found a way to empower themselves.
As a result they saw their value increase. This belies a simple truth: When you empower yourself you see your value as a colleague, employee, partner or advisor increase.

What can you do to empower yourself today?

Leadership 101

As I write this, I have "The Deadliest Catch" on in the background. I love this show! If you want to know how to lead, watch this show. What they lack in sophistication and erudition, they more thank make up for with their wisdom gained from experience. The captains of these ships know and understand leadership better than many of our political and business leaders.

Tonight I am watching the captain of "The Wizard" struggle with doubt about his leadership after a decision that ended up almost killing three of his crew. I am sure he could have written this week's article on leadership 101.

A Neophyte's Lesson in Leadership

Leadership is uncomfortable. No matter how ready you are to take on the challenge or how skilled you are at leading, those who take on the responsibility quickly find out that leadership is uncomfortable and challenging. It can be full of second guessing and frustration. This is common for neophytes as well as seasoned leaders. Recently I watched a leadership tyro struggle with the mission given him. His strategically laid out plan unraveled because he neglected to remain mindful of the guidelines listed below.

Make a decision and stick to it.
I have witnessed many a person attempt to lead decisively but back down when opposition or public opinion suggested a lack of support. Remember, there is a reason you were appointed, elected, hired, or chosen to lead. Someone or group of people trusted you enough to lead. Therefore, you must have confidence in your plan and decisions. Vacillation erodes people’s confidence in your ability to lead. Even if people have misgivings about your plan of action, leading with confidence will allay their concerns and inspire them to follow you. Adults, like children, prefer defined plans rather than nebulosity.

You are not an island.
Try not to insulate yourself from suggestions. Rather, actively solicit input from others, i.e. colleagues, leadership team and those who will be impacted by your decisions. This could involve walking the halls, making yourself accessible to staff or openly asking for input in meetings and during planning sessions. What’s the advantage? Getting another perspective can highlight a flaw in your thinking and/or improve your plans. Even if you don’t use the ideas or suggestions the information will better equip you with empathy to understand the potential impact of your decisions. Be open to suggestion and solicit input. Don’t operate in a vacuum.

People pleasing can derail your plans.
It is important to balance the amount of input and suggestion. I have seen many a leader, eager to please everybody, absolutely deviate from their plan. Putting too much stock in the thoughts of others can derail a leader’s plans. In turn, they will fail to meet their objectives. While it’s important to seek input from others when formulating your plans you need to weigh the suggestions and strategically assess how they may hasten the achievement of the end goal. That’s why you’re the leader!

Remain impervious.
Develop a thick skin. Suggestions from well meaning people don’t equate to criticism. Over sensitivity is the mark of someone unprepared to lead.

As a leader you will be criticized rightly and wrongly. Get used to it. From the beginning of time people have always gunned for someone who appears successful or commands a certain amount of authority.

However, if someone offers unsolicited input it should not be perceived as criticism of your idea, plan or leadership. You aren’t infallible. If someone has a suggestion tell the person you’ll take it under consideration and then proceed based upon the leadership traits that got you to this position. Avoid taking it to heart and thinking the person was criticizing you. If you allow this idea to take root it will only serve to dash your confidence, promote second guessing and resent the efforts of those trying to help.

Be authentic.
Get real with yourself and those who are following you. Share about your own foibles and struggles. No one is infallible and no one appreciates someone who pretends they are. In the midst of leading through crisis or towards an end goal, etc. it’s important to maintain an attitude of humility. Being honest with your staff, partners, etc. will engender loyalty from them. Casting yourself as a god with impregnable ideas, perfect traits, etc. will only create a chasm between you and those who are there to help you achieve your goal.

Is Being Assertive Equivalent to Being a Bully?

Absolutely not! A question or problem that often gets posed to me is, “If I am assertive or aggressive, I will be considered a word that rhymes with witch.” My answer always is, “If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” Simply, if people are calling you a derogatory name or cowering when you enter the room, it could be that you’re being too aggressive. Being assertive is not the reason people apply negative labels, it’s the way in which a person asserts, directs, or manages that invites the attachment of a pejorative.

The model of the alpha female, a woman in leadership who has mastered the art of balancing both head and heart is becoming the management paradigm taught in business school to both genders. Because women excel relationally they are a step ahead of their male counterparts in the implementation of this model. While this is good news for us, striking out with confidence as a leader takes some practice. It’s okay to start by tip toeing into the pool by being more direct with your staff, making requests with deadlines attached, or clearly stating your expectations for your staff.

Being a leader requires the administration of firmness, confidence, conviction, strategic thought, inspiration, assertiveness, aggression and an understanding of the human condition all in varying amounts and at different times. Determining the correct amounts and the appropriate time to administer your leadership skills will take time. But you can be assertive and still be admired as a leader if you remember:

Tone
Oftentimes it’s not what you say it’s how you say it. A little sugar goes a long way.

Appreciation
When was the last time you thanked someone for the work they did for you or the team? Focus on what they did right instead of what they did wrong or how they didn’t measure up. No doubt you would hate to live under such a strict standard.

Respect
Your direct reports and colleagues are humans like you and deserve your respect. Are you treating them like you would want to be treated?

Take it from someone who once was known as an equal opportunity bully, I learned that managing and leading well requires the respect of those following you. It is far more empowering to bring out the best in other people and work as a team towards a goal than it is to berate or undermine.

Self Leadership

When the chips are down and it seems as if hope is lost, leaders don't give up. Leaders persevere, persist, and keep their eye on the goal.

While you may think leadership applies to teams, groups, committees, etc. It is your own self leadership, the decisions you make when no one else is looking, the actions you take in your daily life, and/or the thoughts you think that determine what type of leader you are. If you're going to ever lead others, you need to first know how to lead yourself.

Even if you think you will never lead people because it's not part of your personality profile that is no excuse for giving up on leading yourself. When you lead yourself, unwittingly the decisions you make, the actions you take, and the thoughts you think will inevitably make an impact on someone else. Let's make sure we lead ourselves responsibly so the impact we have on others benefits rather than harms them.

Where My Girls At?!

Huddling in a corner berating and diminishing one of their female co-workers if you believe an article published in last week’s New York Times. Do you believe it?! If you have or are currently working with women, you probably do believe it. If you’ve been to high school or been part of a sorority you also might believe it.

The New York Times’ article revealed that for all ubiquitous, forwarded “sisterhood” emails and female empowerment songs that decry the bad behavior of men and raise the rebel yell for female solidarity and strength, women are more adept at bad behavior in the office than we’d like to admit. What makes it more disconcerting is that we’re more likely to turn on our “sisters” in the office rather than our male colleagues.

I have witnessed a group of women congregate with the purpose of feeding on the foibles of a colleague like a group of starved, wolf cubs. I have watched office “BFFs” turn on each other and spread rumors about the other over the smallest of issues. If you think your male counterparts aren’t watching, think again. They are watching and taking notes. If you’ll turn that quickly on a fellow colleague or “best friend”, what confidence can they have in you as a reliable business partner or leader?

According to the article there are many theories about why women behave this way. But the one bit of rationale that resonated is that women are less inclined to respond in kind to an aggressive, biting, or emotionally manipulative gesture. I’ve written about it before and I’ll say it again. Your alpha male colleagues appreciate and respect you for standing up for yourself. Perhaps the same applies when a female boss bullies. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you will continue to get bullied and undermined.

Remember we’re all in this together as women and in the aggregate as humans. Let’s look for ways to build each other up rather than tear each other down.

Self Promotion: The Key to Reaching the Upper Tier

One of the reasons women fail to make it to the upper tiers of the coporate ladder is because they overlook the importance of self-promoting. While it’s easy to attribute our laterally challenged careers to a conspiracy of white men seeking to hold us back, that is simply not the case. Society has come a long way. Corporations and businesses have strategies in place to promote qualified women to higher positions. But one way the world hasn’t changed is that leaders and managers don’t actively look for people to promote. In order to be promoted, you have to be noticed. Why do men get noticed more than women? They self-promote.

If you’ve recently been in the job search process, you should be good at self-promoting. It’s required when you’re in interviews that you promote yourself and explain why you would be a good hire. The same theory applies to professional promotions.

BUT many women are uncomfortable with self-promotion. Oftentimes we mislabel it as bragging. Or we don’t like being so aggressive or assertive about the contributions we’ve made, the value we bring, the skills and abilities we possess to do the job better than one of our colleagues. A five industry study of 2900 employees by a Chicago based employee research firm in 2004 found that women focus more on the relationship side of business. Conversely their male counterparts centered on strategically advancing themselves. Both genders have their own self-interest in mind in choosing to focus on either relationship or career advancement. Men's self interest tended to favor their own development, salary, and a shared workload. Women’s self interest focused more on communication and office harmony. Sound familiar?!

There is nothing wrong with self-promoting. Our male counterparts do it daily. Mothers often loose themselves in their children, the harmonious running of the household, etc. We know that that combination leads to poor health, a loss of identity, and a hectic, frazzled lifestyle. Similarly neglecting the pursuit of avenues that will take us to the top by becoming so absorbed in the inner workings of the company is professionally detrimental. Our male counterparts tend to understand that team playing and pushing their own self promotion go hand in hand. In other words they know how to balance the two effectively. We must fight from losing our identities by desiring harmony at the sake of our own advancement.

What can you learn from your male counterparts? Do they rock the boat? Do they self-promote? Find one or two who do it effectively and incorporate some of their techniques into your professional demeanor.

You’ve accomplished a lot. You are worth a promotion. You bring a needed perspective to the table. If you fail to self-promote, you fail to feel empowered.

Where are All the Cowboys & Cowgirls?

At a recent leadership seminar, the presenter shared the following story illustrating the difference between those who look the part and those who act the part in leadership. While taking a group of mid to senior level managers through an exercise on staff development and corporate strategizing he noticed an older manager sitting back, skeptically assessing the proceedings. The presenter approached the older leader inquiring about his reticence to take part. The manager asked the presenter, “Do you know what the difference is between a Dude and a Cowboy, Greg?” Amused by the question, the presenter cracked a smile and said, “No, I don’t. Inform me.”

“Well,” said the older manager, “a dude wears a cowboy hat, chaps and cowboy boots but he doesn’t know how to ride a horse. A cowboy knows how to ride a horse. This room is full of dudes. They know how to say the right things in this room but few of them will be able to effectively implement what they’re saying or learning when they leave this seminar.”

Point taken. Are you a dude or a cowboy? Do you look the part or do you act the part? An effective leader acts like a leader and doesn’t just give the appearance of one. What does leadership look like to you?